Five Things Celebrities Should Stop Saying When In Kolkata.

1. I love Mishti Doi and Fish and Roshogolla  : There are people who live in Kolkata, love the city and don’t like either. If you have nothing better to say about the city then say you hate it. We are used to that and are armed with great vague replies about ethics and culture to raze you to the ground. However mishti doi and fish leaves us weaponlessly nauseated. Go try some gulab jamun or mukharochak chanachur for a change !
2. It is such a beautiful blend of tradition and modernity. What you mean is we have the city centers and  new market. That is as far as you know with your whirlwind tours. Thanks! We can do without the deep meaningful analysis.
3. People here are not bothered about the rat race. It so peaceful here. You are trying to say people here are lazy, fiercely love their afternoon siestas. And trams running through Maidan is your idea of peace and a time warped existence. You really love the peace? Leave your job and stay here. We’ll welcome you with garlands at the airport.
4. I love a Bengali meal. What you eat at Oh Calcutta ! or Bhajahori Manna is not the average Bengali meal. If all that you are served at those places were to be cooked in the Bengali kitchen then all our mothers would have died and all our maid servants would have resigned without notice. Trust me there are many average Bengalis who live and die without getting a glimpse of that lovely Daab Chingri.
5. I love Bengali people. Really? And where have you met them? At press conferences? Or are you talking about the staff at your five star hotels? Surely you haven’t travelled in crowded buses or metros? You must have landed from your private jets or Mercedes cars to wave and shake hands with crowds of the cheerful Bengali people ready with digi cams to capture your lovely right and left profile smiles..

You can love us , you can hate us and trust me you CAN ignore us. We can survive without the condescending hypocritical affections. As for me I will never go to Chennai and say I love idli,dosa…because I genuinely don’t !

What Kills ..

A stab
Blood gushes out,as expected in a classic Bollywood flick
Sharpened on the stone of a buried past.

The striker strikes
A first-rate wound
The eyes flash, The heart captures
The hurt
of a sudden
unexpected
accurate
stab.
Stagger, Fall, yet Breathing

What kills finally
isn't the stab,
 isn't the wound.
But the accompanying friendly gesture,
The benevolent, smiling mask.
Pack up. The reel will capture another act tomorrow.

Wake up Kid !

Life is not a bed of roses (What is so luxurious about a bed of roses anyway? They would tickle you and a very high chance that some bug hidden beneath the petals would ..well...bug you )...

Okay  leaving that aside, life is NOT a bed of roses...Let me deal  with one problem now. This one has its invincible arms wrapped tightly around my daily routine....waking up late....

I am at a loss... no idea how to solve it.... technology is of no help...because the shrill alarm clock comes with a very convenient  snooze button...parents leave  early so biology doesn't help either.

The hilarious Sunday magazine I read recognized this huge problem and published about some clocks that reactivates and automatically moves, once the alarm button is switched off .So you wake up playing a cat and mouse game trying to stop a ear-drum bursting weird sound... This was a charming proposition until I realized that getting this device would gobble up my entire Puja shopping budget.

But I had only myself to blame. As if I did not  know that my magazine published articles about clothes that no one sane (my perception of sane) can wear, food that no one can pronounce (leave alone find the ingredients and cook) and interiors of houses in which my friend's dog would be scared to live.

Coming back to the problem, my time table looks quite interesting, the first column (having the first periods at a time that's dawn according to my brain) exists only hypothetically for me.Blissful sleep only visits me in the early morning hours throwing my schedule haywire.

When I consciously try to sleep early I  start thinking about how badly I want to sleep and then I keep on thinking how badly I want to sleep  and  I keep on thinking about HOW BADLY I WANT TO SLEEP !!..........and then finally I understand what a certain Mr.Macbeth went through.... .

Of course my habits don't help.... sitting with loads of junk food and watching "one season following another.... " isn't exactly an effective way of inviting sleep, especially when these are of a popular sitcom.

Curling up with a good book results in going to sleep in the morning having finished the good book. A person on TV suggested drinking warm milk.. Well the person obviously did not have 1.parents who woke up at the beeping sound of a microwave and 2.a urinary bladder.....

So I guess I am at the mercy of the Gods.....

WHAT AN "IDEA" SIRJEE !

Saw inception, found it to be over the top, overrated, and over hyped.  unnecessary complications which however does not challenge the audience (hence its popularity i believe), everything is explained along the way in the most obvious fashion . a Chinese box dream structure (i will shoot someone if i hear the word sub-conscious again !) .




 the gigantic sets are overwhelming and thats just about what the sets are there to do- overwhelm- period .the challenge was not to understand the movie but to sit through it.  eternal sunshine of the spotless mind dealt with a sort of similar concept in a much more engaging and subtle way.

i would rather  buy a ticket to watch Udaan again . 

something sublime ........

Yeah I am a bad poet
Perhaps 'cause I rhyme
Sorry just can't find the time
To think of something..........something sublime

Should I write about things that don't exist
Overwhelming , mind-numbing love, adoration, ideals
Or ..a girl slashing her wrist, a suspense story?

Read two things today, two things,
Shakespeare talking about "widow Dido"
And a mother choking her daughter with a pillow.

Can i pretend? looking at the sky--- looking uh well ... thoughtfully
Fluffy cotton wafts, dew drops, and rain
While I secretly long to submerge myself
Amidst the neon mall lights again.

Should I check the latest fashion trend?
Still-dead-toes, plus sized clothes and lipstick
Or should I with spectacled eyes,ponder about the futility of life?
Then buy an  ultra-philosophical book,
And go to bed with the latest best seller
Reading about the master's wife being raped by the cook..

Should I call someone and talk for a few long hours
Bitch about the world at large
Experience my own catharsis
"calm of mind all passions spent"
Winks and nods .. that was nice to vent !

Should I count the pimples on my cheek?
Ah no ! I'd be counting for weeks
Sigh...pimple creams don't work, neither does the government..
THERE !that's a sublime thought !!

Yaah my definition of sublime differs
Sub-lime...uhhm position of the juice tetra-pack
in my fridge below the lemon's rack..

Ain't that funny?

Laugh ! come ON ! you are supposed to....
- We do what we are supposed to do,
No Kidding. who am i fooling?
You are too intelligent! sigh !
Don't you now fret.
I told you I ain't a poet.
No brain , No time
To think of something....sublime............

it is the century of malls ,multiplexes , wider choice and wider varieties ..of everything including sputum !...frustration and anger have now given way to amusement......i mean there really so many varieties of that little disgusting speck of yellow/red/white blob of liquid/semi liquid blemish on the roads....i mean  i can speak for my city atleast...we can give the crows a serious complex ! latest heard from the drawing room of a crow nest "they spit more than we shit !" . some think it to be their birth right to spit on the road and the complete nonchalance with which they go for it is indeed praiseworthy! ...... don't see any change in the near future so well..the amusement will go on !

raising a toast to those days !

Many a time i think about everything that has happened in my life so far (nothing remarkable i know ! ) and i never stop being amazed by the changes that have happened at every step. At every moment something, someone seemed indispensable and yet when that thing or person went away from my life it did not bother much, except some rare exceptions. If 5 years ago some one had told me so and so would not be your friend after few years i would have burst into tears or felt saddened and yet when that happened all that remained was a calm acceptance and in some cases, indifference. There was a girl in kindergarten with whom i shared burnt omlettes one with whom i was forever in the "aari" (not-talking) mode, a teacher with short curly hair , a teacher who did not let me eat my tiffin one day because i hadn't got a napkin , they are all nowhere right now. there was a time when i thought school would never end , how can a routine of 14 years just stop one day ! if i was a little "lamb" i would have perhaps written "the superannuated student" on the last day of school ! just one fine day you get up and there's no more hymns, no more chapel ,no more "party dresses" on children's day , no more of those dreaded p.t classes ! a chapter shut for ever ... Having finished college what makes me think of school? Perhaps i yearn for that security, the comfort of knowing that you have to get up at 6.40 to catch a bus at 7 and you will be back by 3. Seems silly, but the absence of it is troubling me big time ! there were no "choices" then . no decisions to be made or held responsible for. life was simpler, (i wouldn't have agreed to this if you had told me then ) life was all about coming home at 3 , watching yug and swabhiman and later steve irwin playing with crocodiles , some futile gossips, lots of unchartered territories (which seem so lame now !) and the only serious worry was something as immediate as not being prepared for an exam, not bringing the copy to class , "you told her that...i told you not to do so !" and such grave matters ! Miss those old days ....................