Wednesday, 23 November 2011

good mawning

TOI: hey good morning!

HT: yaaaw...yeah hi ...

Telegraph: gawd so much chatter...okay yaa hi! where's et?

HT: still sleeping, no one's gonna disturb him anyway...he lies there whole day on the table

Telegraph: true, o nomoshkar PD

HT: PD? she's here?

Telegraph: yeah

Pratidin: shuprobhaat

TOI: hi-5 PD, so ..someone's missing

PD: t2, hey tele where's your bro?

Tele: it's genY all the way now...t2 disappears early in the morning and is caressed whole day...i forgot hw he looks actually, never see him at the table...CT HT CITY come close but gawd

ET: don't talk so much please, lemme sleep , today's not my day

HT: yeah right, so when is your day?

ET: wennnnesdddai, Brand Equity day. they give me 2 mins on that day. okay good night lemme sleep


Wednesday, 9 November 2011


oooh no it is 7.45 but it is jaaast 7.45 i can get up 10 minutes later okay now it is 8 i can still sqeeze in a few more minutes may be till 8.30 will have to leave by 9.10 but then 9.15 is okay so i can sleep till 8.35 yes ma sandwich is fine for tiffin okay bye okay now i have to wake up but wait what if i don't go today why do i have to go everyday ? no i can't afford a leave now will take a leave later when the weather is more disgustingly cold but eeww it is cold now more cold later  o god how cold will that be SHIT 8.50 now no chance of 9.15 dumbhead so next target is 9.30 at least so that is roughly 40 minutes so 10 minutes in the loo of course no shampoo coz i shapooed yesterday at 12.30 am then get dressed and leave SHIT SHIT SHIT 8.55 but what if i don't go ? okay  it is not an option get up get up get up its so cold fan needs to be switched off ah there is my brush hate this dabur lal paste makes the bristles of my toothbrush red one day my teeth will also be red like the toothbrush bristles imagine how that will look hheee heee SHIT 9.00 am okay mission loo why don't i have a clock in the loo i forget this time thingy in there anyway done okay 9.15 really? how!! was i in there for so long ommmaigawd ommaigawd dress dress dress tiffin where is tiffin can't find tiffin ma has taken it school along with her own tiffin i guess like the other day o no another dosa day okay breakfast chhatur sharbat gulp it down vaseline  keys water-bottle 6 rs change for the goddamned auto 1 rs hike oggawd i will become a beggar i should junk the auto for a bus hell who am i kidding people will literally fall out of those buses someday so auto 6 rs where where where GOT IT! okay lock door wear shoe out out out walk fast cannot ofcourse jeans are too heavy hahaahaa i have a great sense of humour but there will be no auto so walk walk walk okay auto auto no seat at the back aunty already sitting beside autowallah aluminium plate instead of seat no option 9.35 seriously have to wake up early tomorrow squeeze beside aunty stupid beardy uncle please get down at the next stop yay now i have a back seat o gawd that hell hole of dust is approaching o no what now yes yes call passengers from their homes MOVE or i will kill you MOVE please sir MOVE plsplspslspls
 o k a y thank god , hand over fare and run there there is that old beggar woman okay she sees i have no change and walks past me as if i don't exist HAHA that's why i carry exact change gawd please let there be a shuttle great there is a line what's that on her eyes? what's that on her? sunglasses clothes dumbass okay shuttle is here get in get in phew 9.50 no chance of reaching office before 10.20 at least so let's stay calm plug in the earphones god i need to change this playlist what is that ghttar ghattar noise o it's just the gas cylinder underneath the seat or may be its the seat the broken seat of course  this man   in his 40's calls his lover or talks in a nyaka nyaka funny way hihihi but why am i judging does that make me better than the people who have sprayed "gays r cancer to da society" on the ajc bose road flyover such a sombre thought to ponder upon O SHIT  i missed the best part of katiya karun.nachdi firun tabdi firun akeli main nabdi firun.haddd karun hadd karun hadd karun ru ru ru ruuuuuuu no signal plsplsplspls o there's a signal o we have crossed it GOD SHIT AAWWW oh thank god i thought we'll kill that girl crossing the road no girl alive me alive okay good driver fast driver go science city jam jam jam pls pls green light green light 10.01 that is okay but no worries can't do anything now what shitty roads pls god don't let anybody get down at vishwakarma building that is another signal and let everyone have exact change yay no one gets down signal godd o wow i love this girl's wardrobe few days in summer she wore those long tops now she is into nice silk kurtis but she is tall yes yes yes stop stop stop yes I have reached please don't let too many people come before office okay breathe in breathe out empty chairs good sign client servicing people in they are always in i think they live here never see them leaving yes can i have a pen signed switch on PC gmail facebook twitter done .

 RIP till next morning.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

"Sichuan Frid rice" anyone?

There comes a moment in life when everything just goes wrong , when every effort goes down the drain , when I feel like a complete loser , it is during those moments that I grumble, at times cry, shout, fight, and then when every goddamned thing fails I take the ultimate step, I make that all important phone call to - dominoes or Xing chinese/indian/tandoor home delivery.  Music can go for a long walk, because for me- food is the food of life. Over the years the take-away services near my home have evoked a lot of emotions ranging from - relief  , horror, anger, to that of absolute bewilderment.

 The best and worst of it ..

There is a hierarchy of course. there is the 45 rs (and that was YEARS ago) veg plate  which my mum once ordered from "dui burir hensel (that n is a chandrabindoo-substitue since english language has no such interesting stuff like chandrabindoos and bishorgos) so anyway, it basically means "two old women's kitchen" . It is normal everyday khana. the rice and dal were  good and the aloo bhurji in a packet was also great but the horror was that layer of oil in the veg curry but then any packed thing from outside can never be ghar ka khana so why complain!  This one is the cheap-emergency alternative when the maid takes casual/medical leave for days on end and mum's temper reaches the Everest summit. Next in the order is the multi cuisine takeaway .And finally ,when I feel really really rich or really really torchered I call Dominoes. (when i feel that i am not-so-rich i order the combo thing  and on special days  , like when my part-2 exams ended its gourmet pizza please !).

 I also feel that they should publish their own dictionary. "Schezwan" "Sichuan" "Shechuaan" - all synonyms for that red runny gravy, which is so hot that I cry more than a girl suffering a break up. You can also take your pick from "pan-frid" noodles, or "veg haka chowmen" or is  want a starter , just go ahead with some delicious "panner pakora".

 They have innovation at their finger-tips. The dishes are re-invented every single day. Once a dal makhni was my favourite dish , it was 5-6 types of dal , slow cooked with dollops of butter. One day I ordered that and imagine my horror when I stared at the barely boiled unseasoned lentils staring at me from the foil container. Also today's manchurian is tomorrow's chilly and tomorrow's manchurian is day-after-tomorrow's schezwan. The gravies play musical chair.

They all have conversation specialists who receive the calls. They are all amusing in their own way but the Pizza guys win hands down. Ever played a cassette in fast-forward mode? A hich-kich-pitch noise where you can't make out a single word? that's what they sound like , they introduce themselves, give me a list of new "offers" in which i am not interested in a span of about a second and then ask for my order. They sound more programmed than a C++ program.

The funniest bit is the way the Dominoes person always asks for my phone number, looks it up in his pc and then in a very happy tone says " from so and so", of course they have been taught that this would make the customer feel special, the fact that they "remember" me, yes I would feel special only if i had an IQ of 0.00007 and did not know about the computer thingy. somehow the honest "onek din por elen?" (coming after so many days?) from my xerox-walla sounds more sincere. But pizza ke liye kuch bhi !

However, no matter how much I ridicule them , the fact is when I sit down with some of that super-greasy stuff , in my 100 year old  dress (which ma threatens to donate to my maid  for sweeping) and I switch on the T.V or when a few of my closest , and dearest pals sit down with all kinds of home-delivered trans-fat loaded junk , for a hot n happening bitching session, I am in heaven. I don't have to worry about my jeans constricting the life out of my guts or about stupid company. Take away food spells comfort with a capital C. I simply fail to understand how some people eat so much at weddings, how can food be swallowed and digested in those  strange crowded place where strangers in hideous costumes are eating all around you , a chicken's leg hanging from one's lips, an FF1 aunty gulping down fishes (FF1 is foundation face number 1), some people even transfer some of the best chosen stuff to their kid's plate as if that wedding is their only chance of getting proper nutrition. restaurants are fine , though one has to wear civilized dresses when one visits those places, my 100 year old rag and hawaii chappals won't do ! (no i don't wear hawaiis , I wear nice aerosoft chappals but Hawaii added more drama to this sentence -don't you think?)

I have digressed again. Doesn't matter. Nothing more to say. Except describing another blissful occasion. I am a pig, I dig out leftover food. Isn't there something blissful about cold leftover bahar ka khana? Or is it just me. the Sherlock in me awakens at night as i search for my leftover veg fried rice etc in the fridge and eat it without Microwaving it. (Of course I say a loud "Yes" when my mother asks me the next morning whether I had heated it) others do it? I don't know! I don't care! I am la-femme-despicable (that is not French dumbo).

Okay bye. Will share more such worthless gems for which you all love me so much. what would I do without you my dear reader (hi-5 jane eyre)!

Tata amigos.

PS: (gyan alert) I generously tip the delivery boys. You should too. They do a lot of hard-work. Don't be a miser.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Awkupeytion, Kayrier, and other such demons.

There are times when I feel that life has made a complete fool out of me  (if you are even thinking about cracking the stale "so-you-thought-you-are-sane joke then that only shows how goddamned predictable you are.) . Sometimes I pray for something, I want it to happen and it happens and then very soon I am cursing myself. When I was sitting at home right after my exams , I felt restless, as if someone had injected red-bull into my veins and forced me to sit quietly. I had all the time in the world to do "things" and I wasn't satisfied. Now, that I have a "job" , and my schedule is one big fat chunk of monotony, my free-time does not exist and my hobbies are gasping for breath, NOW I realise what a curse it is.
In my university days , the early morning routine was- open eyes-look at clock- grumble about weather-decide not to go- go back to sleep. Now it is- open eyes- look at the clock- curse!curse!curse!-make faces-grimace-sit-look at clock-curse-finally get out of bed.  Sad. Very sad. 

At office, when there is work, well I work (and no, despite this post, I do not hate my "work")but when there isn't any, I am stuck to that goddamned chair, in front of that goddamned p.c. All I want is a couch and a book. Only if someone could pay me to read books (not editorial "read" , which to me is "hunting bad grammar" reading). Then there are days when I start reflecting about what I am doing , and how it affects the larger scheme of things, it is like when you are at a beach looking at the sea, trying to figure out the purpose of your puny self in the larger context. I write, for ads, wait for approvals, big CEO's with bigger salaries debate about the content, we get feedback, we make changes, this continues for a long time, finally it gets published,  at times it is read (though of course no one knows its by me), then they are forgotten, then new ones arrive. How does it matter? Am I making a difference to the world? I feel the hollowness of it all, the mind-numbing dullness of it all. 

Then I try to look for alternatives- 1. content : pros-weekend holidays, definite work hours, easier, higher pay , cons- zero growth, more stagnant than a cess pool.  2. MBA- pros: better pay. cons: looking fat in formals, learning maths, working like an ass, equally if not more hollow. 3. School teacher: pros: back home by afternoon (oooooh) , slightly better pay initially, cons: kids-kids-kids 4. Public Sector: pros- pay, security cons: everything, 5. journalism: pros: exciting cons: i am lazy, like comfort and hate dirty loos (suppose i am told to cover a flood, i will think less about the victims and more about the loo options)6. Higher studies: pros-the fact that it is "higher" studies , cons: the fact that it is higher "studies" . compared to all my options except the last one, what I am doing seems as bad. At the end of the month I am a pauper but then what-the-heck it takes one minute to quit!  

So why do I continue despite all this?- a tiny voice whispers "because if you are doing nothing you will be just as miserable-because that little money matters to you- because it is at the end of the day something that you "do" and you chose to do-because on some days it is not so bad, and things are actually exciting. 

I do not know where things will go tomorrow. I really don't. But I know I'll do something I want at that time, something that I have chosen myself, and not blindly followed a rule book. As long as I do that I'll be fine.

Yes . By now you must have guessed, I had a super-bad day hence the ranting. But then a little catharsis chalta hain !

goodnight folks.