Sunday, 18 December 2011

Nothing "grand" about it.

Grandmothers come in every variety. A friend of mine introduced her's as her "best-friend". For most people I know, their grandmothers are a source of TLC and god knows what else. I am not so lucky. My thakuma expired before I was born, hence her daughters i.e my pishis call me "ma" , my mother explained in childhood that this was because they thought I was their mother in my previous birth (I came into this world soon after her death). So I saw my thakuma's pics in albums and I was very happy because she was very pretty. I thought if I was that pretty in my previous life then by default some of it will manifest itself in this birth too. Nature however had other plans, we shall not go into it. We shall not.

So now my maternal grandmother, my dida, is alive and kicking (metaphorical kicks of course). From what I hear, I never had a cordial relationship with her. In my childhood, during winter, she used to admonish me for not wearing socks, cap, sweaters etc, and she nagged a lot about that. So one fine day, she came and knocked at our door. My mother was sleeping. My aunt was doing something ( I obviously don't remember what), and I went to answer the door , I peeped, saw my dida and very firmly shut the door. I told my aunt there was no one at the door and asked her to tie my hair in two pigtails. My aunt ,overcome with love and affection at my earnest demand, very lovingly did that. Only to hear some ear-splitting doorbell ringing a few moments later. She went, answered the door, dida complained, and they set out to find me. Upon finding me, as expected the very first thing dida said was "in this cold no caps , no socks". I very calmly replied that a cap will spoil my pigtails. Then I walked away. The story lives on, of course.

Now things have taken a different turn, it's not about caps, it's all about great life-altering things like my weight, my marriage, my hair, my skin, every cell in my body and every atom of my room. My mother is not well, hence dida has arrived and on the first day, after hearing about all the doctors, prescriptions , possible problems, she calmly proceeded to take the most important step for restoring my mother's health. Nojor-porano (burning the evil sight that others have cast on you), no issues if that burning was a symbolic one and the ritual was some anna-type fast or puja, hell no! this is burning in the literal sense, she comes armed with god knows what in her fist, raising hell fire in front of my face (and my parents') three concentric circles and then it's left to burn on the gas. Yes now we are all safe and healthy and we'll live till 90. Thank you so much. (reminds me of that milk jingle..rahoge fit , fit and fine, jiyoge past ninety naaaaaine...doodh doodh doodh, wonderful-doodh).

She loves me very much, she thinks I am wonder-woman. So whenever she watches KBC , she tells me at least 5 times that I should go there. She tells me I should skip. As in, not skip lunch, or breakfast or anything but actually "S K I P" , like with a rope. I almost have convulsions imagining the sight and the activity.

She loves me. She loves nature. These two coincide and create mayhem. She thinks juices from all vegetables are beneficial. So vegetables that I find disgusting in a cooked state are offered to me in a raw , mashed up semi-liquid state. Gourds, bitter-gourds and so on. 

She is concerned about my health and tells me that the dust in my room is responsible for my cough and cold, she asks about my defecation schedule,she tells me very proudly that at my age none of her 4 daughters were "like" me,implying, not in a subtle manner, that she thinks me to be a version of Frankenstein. 

Okay I am tired of writing and ranting. She is here to stay. I am a very good person. I am a very good person. I am a very good...I am a very...I am a....I am.....I...

Be with me Lord.


3 comments:

Particular Girl said...

Oh, you naughty, naughty little girl! :D

Simantini Sinha said...

My dida was strict, my thaani was stricter. I have heard that whenever somebody refused to do something according to her, she would actually stop taking food. So, the poor victims had no other option! (I guess that's why my father decided to marry my mother without informing thaani, else she would have overthrown Mr.Hazare from his throne a long time back! :D )

moo-moo said...

@Particular Girl ...:)

@Simantini Sinha ...Thaami shunechi..Thani kkhono shuni ni ! besh mojar toh!