Friday, 30 December 2011

Full Stop.

I will be officially jobless from tomorrow. I have a huge problem with endings of any sort (okay not romantic ones , they appear- heaven knows what I mean- too cheesy to bother me now). I can never manage to end things properly, especially if it actually meant anything or slightly more than anything to me.

 There was a tuition, a chemistry tuition, when I was in class 12, a very gentle old man, loved the way he taught and tolerated our nautanki. Towards the end of our session he began to take some horrid mock-tests, and that did it. I stopped going after clearing my fees. Just stopped. Did not even call. I know I should have but I did not. Did not care a fig for Chemistry, still don't but the person was a nice man. He deserved a call, a "thanks". 

Then there was another teacher. A so-called "tuition",  but it was more , much more perhaps because it had something to do with Literature. There were people who called him for silly doubts and grave affairs. I wasn't bothered with any. So after classes stopped , I wasn't "in-touch". Then there were calls about teaching a junior, I  promised to be in touch. But I never made that call. The reason- I did not have anything to say. When you have nothing to say you make a call to friends not to people you respect and are in awe of. To this day I think of calling but I recoil in horror thinking of the conversation. (worrying runs through my veins )

So now there is this job, of course I did not like everything hence the resignation. But there are people who meant no harm, who made me laugh, saved my ass on a couple of occasions, they deserve a proper goodbye.  But I have not been going for the last two days, tomorrow is my last chance to say a proper goodbye. Not that people are waiting for it , just a basic courtesy. Something that I find myself incapable of doing. The possibility of having to explain my reasons for leaving, and smiling, and talking is just too arduous to me.Curling up with a book, looking around my dusty room and worrying is infinitely easier. Now this is gnawing at my brains. I really wonder what is it with me and endings.  

1 comment:

Simantini Sinha said...

Guess I understand. I myself handle endings better, but it is no easier for me than it's for you. IT's as if a very very tiny bit of the day-to-day life stops. Not that it should matter, but just that the thought of having to go through the whole 'goodbye' episode is a serious pain in the ... gut?