There are times when I feel that life has made a complete fool out of me (if you are even thinking about cracking the stale "so-you-thought-you-are-sane joke then that only shows how goddamned predictable you are.) . Sometimes I pray for something, I want it to happen and it happens and then very soon I am cursing myself. When I was sitting at home right after my exams , I felt restless, as if someone had injected red-bull into my veins and forced me to sit quietly. I had all the time in the world to do "things" and I wasn't satisfied. Now, that I have a "job" , and my schedule is one big fat chunk of monotony, my free-time does not exist and my hobbies are gasping for breath, NOW I realise what a curse it is.
In my university days , the early morning routine was- open eyes-look at clock- grumble about weather-decide not to go- go back to sleep. Now it is- open eyes- look at the clock- curse!curse!curse!-make faces-grimace-sit-look at clock-curse-finally get out of bed. Sad. Very sad.
At office, when there is work, well I work (and no, despite this post, I do not hate my "work")but when there isn't any, I am stuck to that goddamned chair, in front of that goddamned p.c. All I want is a couch and a book. Only if someone could pay me to read books (not editorial "read" , which to me is "hunting bad grammar" reading). Then there are days when I start reflecting about what I am doing , and how it affects the larger scheme of things, it is like when you are at a beach looking at the sea, trying to figure out the purpose of your puny self in the larger context. I write, for ads, wait for approvals, big CEO's with bigger salaries debate about the content, we get feedback, we make changes, this continues for a long time, finally it gets published, at times it is read (though of course no one knows its by me), then they are forgotten, then new ones arrive. How does it matter? Am I making a difference to the world? I feel the hollowness of it all, the mind-numbing dullness of it all.
Then I try to look for alternatives- 1. content : pros-weekend holidays, definite work hours, easier, higher pay , cons- zero growth, more stagnant than a cess pool. 2. MBA- pros: better pay. cons: looking fat in formals, learning maths, working like an ass, equally if not more hollow. 3. School teacher: pros: back home by afternoon (oooooh) , slightly better pay initially, cons: kids-kids-kids 4. Public Sector: pros- pay, security cons: everything, 5. journalism: pros: exciting cons: i am lazy, like comfort and hate dirty loos (suppose i am told to cover a flood, i will think less about the victims and more about the loo options)6. Higher studies: pros-the fact that it is "higher" studies , cons: the fact that it is higher "studies" . ...so compared to all my options except the last one, what I am doing seems as bad. At the end of the month I am a pauper but then what-the-heck it takes one minute to quit!
So why do I continue despite all this?- a tiny voice whispers "because if you are doing nothing you will be just as miserable-because that little money matters to you- because it is at the end of the day something that you "do" and you chose to do-because on some days it is not so bad, and things are actually exciting.
I do not know where things will go tomorrow. I really don't. But I know I'll do something I want at that time, something that I have chosen myself, and not blindly followed a rule book. As long as I do that I'll be fine.
Yes . By now you must have guessed, I had a super-bad day hence the ranting. But then a little catharsis chalta hain !