Why One Can Die On Monday...

I Will Die On Monday Because Thanks To My Newspaper and My TV I will BY then Realize The full Extent of Futility That my Life Has achieved . Reasons?   Read..(I'm Sure you can).


1.Don't  Have a Valentine. You might be single and NOT ready to mingle the rest of the year but on this particular day you just have to have a "valentine", in case you do not ,the leading dailies have conspired to tell you how you can get one, "news" did you ask? oh that's there too...squeezed snugly between VLCC and Keya Seth Ads.


2. Will Not Go For The Promising Offers. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief when i read "5 Kilos Free With Every 5 Kilos: Special Valentine's Day Offer". I thought the government has come up with some unique onion distribution scheme. Then realized it is an ad about weight loss. Uhhhmmm excuse me ...I really want to lose weight but have no great desire to be steamed roasted , beaten, and starved to death. Really sorry. Next Page.


 I mean that woman Keya Seth ....Horrifying ads everywhere..come on man! at least Vandana Luthra looks good....Keya has graduated from gaudy saris to sleeveless salwars and now has moved on to tacky tops....I get scared just by looking at her...Do people really buy stuff that she makes ?? (God hasn't been so kind with my face that I will give Keya a chance to mess with it !)


3. Will Die Without A heart Shaped Locket: another headline .... "You Love your girlfriend, your girlfriend loves jewelry " ........ obviously jewelry on Valentine's Day cannot be anything except a heart shaped locket, which the lady in the ad is wearing.


 If a girl was lucky enough to get married on 14th Feb, I shudder to think what she would be wearing...a heart shaped necklace, a heart shaped bracelet,a heart shaped earring and so on....another thing that really puzzles me.... Why is the heart shape called the "heart" shape?? The thing that I had to draw , the thing that had  auricles and ventricles did not resemble this shape...or did it ??


4.I will Not Buy that Tacky Lakme Lipstick: Naming shades after deities do not make a product less tacky. A show on TV featured this new and of course especial Valentine's Day collection of lipsticks in yucky red colours. One of the names of those shades is "Aphrodite" and others are similarly grand. Excuse me?? Did you really think anyone would overlook that heart on the lipstick cover , which has "LOVE" written all over it?? Names of goddesses cannot save a cheap product with tacky packaging.


5. I will never know what the fuck really happened: They say some old man who was a saint died. Uhhh so? May be some far greater thing happened but till the buzz dies down I will not wiki-it.


Yaah that is it for now...Only good thing is that the english movie channels air some good old rom-com's on this day so one thing to be glad about ! My earliest memory of this day is the scene in DTPH where madhuri buys stuff for herself  because there is no one to get all that for her.....that's cool...But I just finished shopping a month ago...so ...well shed copious tears as I leave this earth.

A Fair Affair ...or Not.

The last time I went To the Kolkata Book Fair I was a school going girl , and the fair was held at Maidan. That was the glorious day I laid my hands on my first Jhumpa Lahiri book ...


After that there was this long gap, I became more and more lazy, a literature course ensured multiple trips to college street so going all the way to a dusty ground just to buy books easily available at any store was not a good idea. That's the brilliant reason i gave myself and stayed at home. The fair was uprooted from Maidan ( a move I support, if Maidan is the lung of Kolkata , makes sense to protect it coz an organ transplant is not likely to be easy in case it dies) . The fair migrated to Salt Lake, I still did not go. This year I did. Today.


Everyday I see the traffic police taking bribes, doing nothing to stop the chaos on the roads ,at times i also feel bad when they have to stand for hours at a stretch in inhuman weather conditions, but that's rare, most of the times I am pretty pissed off with them and ready to curse them, today the traffic police as well as the general police are in my good books and likely to stay there for a few days, hours.....whatever! 


The minute I knew I had to cross the road at science city the petrified hedge-hog within my soul shrieked, every busy morning the science city stop is the mother of chaos. Still I went, and the police were more than helpful , people gathered in groups like school kids and crossed the road with the police ( who i guess knew that people would die in dozens if they had not taken such measures), so one headache gone.


At the fair's entrance there was a lady selling masks...."Swine Flu" popped in my head, but then it was a precaution for dust (yeah like every other place in the city is dust-free).... for a second i thought of buying one to see how i looked in them but then thankfully decided against it.


Now the fair itself...book lovers everywhere ...BUT. among the many kinds of people who go...here are the types which irritated the hell out me..... ( sorry for generalizing.....but it's just super fun this way !)


1. Jhola-Kurta--Bankrupt type: They are waaaay too intelligent for anything that is on display on the racks, they might pick up a Saki or Camus only to give their most valuable opinion on it to their friend next to them...... while poor short people (read me) strain their necks to have a look at the racks. They often call someone to ask for a book that is perhaps out of print/ not read/does not exist.These people never NEVER buy what they with great avid interest see and discuss and criticize. To sum up A royal pain in the ......neck.


2. Papa Yeh Lele? type: They suddenly realise they have loads and loads and loads of cash lying around, they have no more outfits to buy this season, so they head straight for the fair with mumma and papa . They lay their hands on every Sheldon, Archer, Twilight thing they can and buy them in dozens while proud mumma's and pappa's think in what pitch they will scream on the phone... "arrre patta hain meri beti ne nah 2000 ke books kharide....bahhhhot interest hain usse books mein ....." ......


3. Long Hair Rockstar Type : They have a guitar. They know howto sing. They sing. In the sun. On the Grass. They wear sunglasses with cheap metal rims and think they are looking oh-so-cool. Don't know why. But they Try. Some of them look like hooligans...the book-fair almost becomes a crook-fair.


4. Boi-Mela Dekhte Eshechi type: This is not the Victoria Memorial. Dyakhar kichhu nei. and young boys who are high on  hormones i repeat "dekhar" shottiii "kichu nei".... even the most gorgeous specimens look tired and haggard after the ordeal...so please go to better  places for bird watching. 


A subcategory of this type exists: The happy family.They wake up at 10, wear benarasi saris and blinding salwars head to boi-mela, grace a few stalls with their presence, eat, laugh, shout, say meaningless things, buy a book when they suddenly remember the fair is about that and head home to ask every person they meet on the way "boi-mela gyachen ebar?". 


Another sub-category is  THE gang (read not less than 10 people) of friends who scream, crack jokes, rush here and there....sigh...if only they would do it  all outside the stalls.


5.Couples:  No... the publishers guild don't charge 50 bucks for a cup of coffee, you can sit and chat for hours, for free,......enough said.


PS: I quite enjoyed the visit , have successfully checked out 1/4 of the total no.of stalls...... thanks to crowds, dust and my limited budget...after all there's nothing more painful than seeing racks of books without a penny in the pocket.


Good Night !

When The Heart Stops.......................... its a sign... ..that you need surgery.

Since nothing dramatic is happening around me ....and I am tired of putting up lists ...I just rummaged through a storage space that houses a variety of useless junk..my memory... here is an experience...


Warning: My post is not trivializing the issue, still  the super sensitive people who can't sleep without kissing their mom good-night might think twice before reading it.


Event: My mom's bypass surgery, when I was in class 10. There were tense moments for sure ,  the experience of waiting, while someone in the family is being operated on, is a terrible one. You cannot do anything and you are completely helpless. Pretty much my situation.  ( I am just ensuring a sensitive beginning.... relax... this is not a tear jerker of a post)


Seeing Ma being wheeled into the OT was overwhelmingly horrible. At that moment there is one God, it's the surgeon. The surgery would take quite a number of hours so I took a book because I did not want to worry myself sick. One person per family in the hospital is good statistics.


Reading is much better way to pass time in the waiting room than what I have seen people indulge in.. they are 


1.talking about the day's headlines 


2. talking about the patient's lifestyle/family/survival chances  


3. This is by far the worst- discussing other similar operations gone wrong ( heyylooo!! you are here to boost the morale of the poor family members . remember?? )


Now , my friends, Bypass is no hysterectomy or appendicitis. It is the queen of surgeries, an open heart surgery , which roughly translates to : more relatives dropping by, more anxious phone calls, and a separate waiting room with VERY comfortable sofas. I busied myself with my books in the waiting room, while my father was engaged in doing what he does best in tense situations: biting nails and pacing furiously till everyone else except him feels giddy.


Next some strangers entered in, what I viewed, as our exclusive waiting room. Apparently there are other queen surgeries , by virtue of which, this waiting room is open to such families. But nevertheless I felt cheated by this intrusion , my reading was interrupted rudely by the usual anxious hysterical chatter. I marched out to grab my first veg sandwich of the day, from the hospital canteen (there were MANY more to come).


Then gradually my relatives started to arrive, let's forget names and stick to descriptions, a brother came,whom I just cannot tolerate but had to be civil because he had arranged for some blood donors, next was a doctor in my family, who is a brilliant doc , is practical , conniving, funny and mad as you shall  soon find out ( you should  have guessed , I like him...a rare species of relatives), 


well, so the doc ordered me and my bro to go and get some guavas ! ( " jah toh ...baire theke peyara niye aaay" was what he said calmly).... I was stumped ! But then If I can eat one veg sandwich after another while  50% of my mom's body is being cut open , then he can surely want guavas. 


Hours passed, suddenly the phone rang,  it was from the OT, a nurse had called to say that the surgery was proceeding fine. I was terribly amused , and questions popped up in my head : 1. Who is looking after my mom if the nurses are making phone calls? 2. Wasn't this just like a news update? Few hours later there was another call to inform us that the surgery was over and my mother was being transferred to the I.C.C.U.


My dad went and saw my mom, then it was my turn. I entered the I.C.C.U, and saw Neil Armstrong... Not one , not two but many, all around me,...lying in beds,... I mean if you have been to an I.C.C.U..you know what I am talking about, patients lying on beds covered from head to toe, wearing some weird masks over their head, so many nozzles through their nose and mouth, gigantic cylinders around the bed and a zillion IV needles poking the arms. 


It was horrifying, I looked quite lost because everyone looked similar from a distance and I was too scared to go near any of them. A nurse helped me, took me to my mom. At that point, it sunk in, this was serious business, I thought- may be this was it. Do people return from this state? She never looked so vulnerable before. I left. As soon as I could.


Okay, the reign over the exclusive waiting area was over and we were back to the general waiting area but my father was nowhere to be seen. Then I got to know he was talking to the surgeon.  I thought, "he'll be back in a few minutes". I was wrong, he came back after an hour, smiling. ...here's the conversation that followed: 


me: "what were you doing for so long?"


dad: "asking him about the surgery"


me: "uhhh ...okay, but  what took so long?"


dad ( highly animated) : "he was explaining-with drawings- he also had this heart model on the table-with that he explained-very interesting-I asked lot of questions-I had coffee-------"




Realizing that he had enjoyed an hour-long audio-visual GK class....I asked "why did you bore him right after he performed a 5 hour surgery?"


He gave me some "looks" and walked away.    










Yaah , That was all. Mom living, All good, Over and Out. :D


Tata.

TLC ... ..Decadence Walk Slowly Into My Soul :D

image courtesy: /www.thetvsqueeze.com

Like a favourite nook in the house, many people have a favourite nook amidst the array of TV channels, this nook is that special channel which you switch on when nothing worthwhile airs on TV...my nook is TLC or Travel and Living, as it was formerly called.  I just see hotels where my dad's entire retirement fund would have bought a night's rent, i see people owning islands .....I see women lounging around in Fendi stores. .. and experience luxury vicariously ! 


here is my laugh-love-hate story..


First some shows which make me laugh....unintentionally of course


The Hilarious:


1 Nigella Cooks: there are other cookery shows on this channel but the names vary. This name has a special significance, it lays stress on " Cooks ", to help you remain convinced that she really "cooks" because everything you see on screen is so far removed from that word. She pouts, squeezes, moans and then makes a dish which my 2 year old niece can cook but wouldn't eat. her bathtub will  feature in the show  at least for a minute( once it did as a pseudo-wine-cooler and once she stepped in it to relax with a papaya filled with ice-cream and cherries).


She makes simple things like whipping up cream (with a food processor of course) and squeezing lemons and chopping coriander, seem like rocket science. She takes pride on being sloppy. Guys can get a high watching her...but after a hard day of travelling in the ramshackle buses plying on the streets of Kolkata, Nigella Cooks makes me laugh more than any comedy show !


2. Shimmy  : 3 girls wearing bikini tops with some loose trousers doing belly dancing. Nothing wrong with that, plenty would have enjoyed that. But the problem is that the show's format pretends to teach it's viewers to work out...... I mean many would sweat just by seeing that... why work out? 


3. Floyd's India: this man Keith Floyd  travelled to different parts of India, cooking stuff that is local. What irritated the hell out of me was his patronizing tone ! i mean who asked you to come here? Go to Switzerland and cook.But it was hilarious when I saw him cooking Indian dishes. He was bad...and yet he was apparently "teaching" people to cook Indian food ...he cooked pav bhaji in Mumbai...I would not dream of touching that ! may his soul rest in peace.


4. John And Kate Plus 8: uhhhh a couple with 8 kids ....showing how they are managing their life....extremely sorry but couples with one kid are irritating enough :) was good fun to watch the show... it was like a zoo. 






The Good 


1. Hell's Kitchen: Reason....1. Gordon Ramsay, 2. Gordon Ramsay , 3. Gordon Ramsay...... He is this strapping old man ( need i say drop-dead gorgeous) who mouths expletives at contestants who try desperately to cook.... well i give a damn about the contestants but I love Ramsay, sarcasm just overflows from his lips. :) 


2. Project Runway: I do not blame guys, even I love Heidi Klum, apart from that just a great format , which MTV ripped to create its own lousy version!.... ( what's with the stay raw thing anyway??? i wish i could throw a raw koi mach at them and say "now you moron stay Raw!) 


3. What Not To Wear With Trinny and Susannah: Just love the way they trample all over the disgusting clothes that some people wear !! but on a serious note they really help some poor guys :D


4. Samantha Brown's show: I love this woman, one of the most spontaneous hosts ever and does not bore with useless details about the place she visits....I love her expressions when she visits some of the most decadently luxurious hotels ever !!!


5. Kylie Kwong's show : I love Chinese food....(not the chili chicken-mixed chowmein fare available at the home delivery outlets) ... This woman is the goddess of Chinese food.... to see her chopping veggies is almost therapeutic....i wish i could just grab the head of some people, hand it to her and see it being finely chopped like those shallots :) but she rustles up some great stuff ! i can't cook (AT ALL) still you can trust me on this one!


The Bad: 


1. LA INk: I am sorry I hate tattoos. Whenever i see them i feel like getting a soap.... this show just does not work for me !


2. Some Art and Craft show : see i don't even know the name. I always got a C for art and craft, so watchinga group of people making some gigantic art and craft stuff is just plain humiliating !


3. Some bike /car show: again I do not know the name. They break apart cars and bikes and then create new stuff. not interested-switch-channel-stuff.

Kutte Kaminey .....Main Tujhe Bahot Pyaar Karungi :D

Some of the Most Memorable Filmy Dogs and Doggy Films !

A warning : This is an indulgent post paying some serious homage to cuteness. If You are not the type- Take a hike darling! 

image courtesy : bigshow.co.in

Tuffy From Hum Aapke Hain Kaun? : he was the first filmy dog that I fell in love with. The film is a terrible weakness, whenever it airs it just pulls me like a magnet (yes even now!) guess I'll never be too grown-up for it ! Tuffy was cutest little doggie ever, from leading Salman to the Jootis in Joote do paise lo, to being the biased umpire for the cricket match, from sitting snugly in Salman's car during Mausam ka jadoo to the scene where he refuses to eat after Renuka dies...and the masterstroke of giving the necklace to Rajesh in the end...so unapologetically "filmy"....he just stole my heart...... very much like the film did !

PS:  As the creator of Tuffy, Barjatiya should have committed suicide after creating that hideous parrot in that hideous film Main Prem Ki Deewani Hun...... that was a horror movie not family drama

Moti from Teri Meherbaniyan : I will not be surprised if all  of you raise your eyebrows wondering "who the fuck is that? " it's not a much talked about film simply because the hero was an Alsatian dog , the actor Jackie shroff dies, the heroine is raped and murdered...and hold your breath..... the narrative continues with Moti hunting down each of the three villains and killing them !!! I just stumbled upon this movie one day when i was still a school-going girl, and I remained glued to that channel till the movie came to an end. Will not watch it again but loved the herculean effort portrayed !!!

image courtesy : fadango.com

Beethoven : A giant huggable drooooooly baby ! No one can miss him..... what can one say??? He charms you with the most obnoxious tricks..... he does not exist in the world, the world exists around him....disdain is his middle name and mischief his first.......just ADORABLE! he just huffs pufffs and droools his way into our hearts !

Marley from Marley and Me :  Rachael Jennifer Anniston in a movie centred around a golden retriever.....Life can be perfect at times ! the sheer havoc this dog creates can challenge the wits of the most patient person..... The best scene I guess would be the obedience class one........one uncontrollable sweetheart this one was...needless to say if you love dogs the last scenes will be quite a tear jerker!

image courtesy: people.cohums.ohio-state.edu

Lassie In Lassie Come Home :  There are mischievous ones ....there are lazy ones...then there are ones to whom you can just say "Take A Bow!".... Lassie  ...is one of them...always found her to be this kind grandmotherly darling type ...a classic !

102 Dalmatians : One dalmatian is enough to make you go down on your knees to pet them till eternity ...with more than a 100...who can complain?.....but a confession...I really admire that Cruella lady......her wardrobe is hilarious .... and her hairstyle reminds me of Indira Gandhi....sorry Mrs. Gandhi ! I especially love the mummy daddy dalmatian couple !

and A Special Meintion :  Comet From one of my all time favourite serial.."Full House"...he was a golden retriever ...and one whole episode was dedicated to how he runs all around the city with his lady love !!! 

image courtesy: tvacres.com

Comet , Mitchelle and Stephanie..... 

Have left out Animated movies ......coz the list would have been waay longer ! 

But will do a post on my favourite animal movies very soon..... :)

Cheers !

Bi-Lingual Invocation To Shujji Mama: Not For Purists.

Shujji Mama
Plz stop the drama
Why don't u wake up early??

Without roddurer shongo
there is no nidra-bhongo
Why don't you wake up early?

Every morning- one look at the ghori
Then the situation is pretty "mori! mori!"
Why don't you wake up early?

Mamu, I read , its a chariot  you drive
but its on a rickety 71 that I thrive
so why don;t you wake up early?

All the early morning jaatris
Are they not your sneher paatris?
So why the hell don't you wake up early?

Kindly from agami kaal
Have pity on my attendance er haal
And for God's sake wake up early .

TIC-TAC-TOE

It's impossible really to know
The mystery of Tic-tac-toe


A whole lot of empty boxes
With the hint of an un-played game
The  zeros and crosses rule the day
Ain't That  such a shame?


What if no one had  to win?
And no winning line were to cross,
 cut through the figures,
Making the entire picture  so gross?


What if we could draw
Some silly stuff   ...in there?
a frog- a candle- a clock
just anything............... anywhere


But then the tic tac toe-
wouldn't quite be itself you know-
The zeros and the crosses are very much here to stay
Without them I guess, 
we'll be quite unsure of our way.